Where to go next

So I do not know where to go next with this. I want to share how things are going but of course not too much.

So there are many things that can happen. I have been seeing a therapist for the past month. I first met her this past summer, I started and then I did not continue, I keep wondering if things would be different if I had continued and not let things build up. We have not been working just on the depression but on other past events. Things that I thought I had moved on over but there is obviously some underlying aspects still there.

I am happy to be working through different issues but each one I work on brings up more questions and the desire to find out more answers. Some days I just want to keep going talking and find it all out. I am someone who likes to problem solve and that is what I have been trying to do but I need to realize that it is not going to come all at once.

Today I realized why I like to control some things, the main thing that comes to my mind is cleaning. I like it done a certain way and don't seem to understand why others can not do it that way. This is something that I have gotten even worse about over the past year or so, it is something that is easy to control, I did not have control over my emotions so this is something that I could control. I think back to the day of my mother's funeral. Everyone was at the house and I felt that I needed to take care of everything, put out the food, clean up the dishes etc. I needed to be the hostess. I was doing this because I that was what I could focus on and control I could not control what I was feeling, the fact that even with all the loved ones around and all the support that was there I wanted to be there alone. I had an image that I thought I needed to keep. I felt that I needed to be the strong one, I needed to take care of everyone. It is funny how feelings like that keep with you after so long. For the longest time I thought that I needed to be this way because of expectations that others set on me. It seems that it was what I set on myself. Perhaps the societal idea that woman are supposed to be a certain way, to take care of people and to be strong.

As for the rest of the day. It was a hard day to concentrate, my mind wandered in so many directions. I could not focus on much of anything while I was at work. I got what I needed to get done, done but it would have been nice to do more.

To those who are trying to get me to do things. I know that I may say no but please don't stop trying. I will eventually get there, I am just very tired and trying not to overextend myself.

Next thing to do is to work on what may have caused the depression.