Too much

I have been so busy trying to get back to a "normal" life that I have been too busy to work on things that need to be worked on, mainly me. I have been so busy trying to see people and do things that I have not continued to work on the things that I need to work on in my life. One thing is to figure out the things that I like to do. I find that you get so caught up in your daily life you forget to do things that you like. I love to go to the movies, I used to go alone quit a bit and now I have not been to one by myself in a while. I really enjoyed working outdoors yesterday. I am not so sure that I would have felt the same way if it was a really large lawn mind you.

I have not been spending time taking care of myself and discovering what it is that I need to work on. I have been too busy trying to rebuild a relationship that can not be rebuilt. (well romantically anyway) I have bought some new books to read and to perhaps discover a new way of thinking.

I guess my main point is to make sure that you do not try to rush things along. You need take time and look at your whole self. You would think that working in the profession I do, that I would know to do it but I guess I forget to practice what I preach.

Moods appear to have stabilized. I am still try to learn how to not react right away and to think before I say things. I do it well in certain situations but when it comes to him, I still have a hard time. There are still the moments of anxiety as well. those are not things that I enjoy. I have tried to stop and just breath during some and other times I have done some writing down and then others I need to just go for a really fast walk. what ever I can get to work. It would of course be nice not to feel anxious.

All in all things are coming along. I just need to take my time and not try to do too much. I need to remember that I am still recovering, and to keep myself overly busy with others I am not working on me and that right now is what is important.

Saying good-bye

This was something that is hard to do. The person, that you think, despite current circumstances, is your forever, and you have to say good-bye. I know that many people do it everyday and in different circumstances but that did not make it any easier.

I could be a fool and seeing things that I just want to see but I had two thoughts in my head, and the one is still there. I have already done the running but the feelings are still just as strong. People keep telling me that they will diminish with time but do they ever. I am not feeling sad right now so that is good. I will have to see what the future holds, when I move out.

Last week, my brain was moving so fast that I did not know what to do. I felt like I was going crazy. I wanted to do so much but I knew that I did not have enough time and the actual energy. I did not get upset because I could not do it and there was need to do it all. I just wanted the fast pace of everything in my head to stop. I went to work on Monday and I wrote it all down. I hope that will help for know. I do not need my head speeding so fast that I feel like I can not stop it. For now it has slowed down there are things that I still want to do but they are written down and I know that I can get to them eventually.

During Therapy we have started going trough things and trying to see where and how the depression may have started. While working through things it is amazing the things that I am seeing that were indicators of there being a larger amount of stress. I am going to keep working on it and see what happens next. After this part of the therapy though I think that I will look for someone else to help me work through things so that I can change the way I react to certain situations. This will be the added assistance, I fear that old behaviours will return when in certain situations.

Time Away

The mountains have been great this weekend. I have enjoyed all the walking around has been great. It would have been a little better if I had proper hiking shoes and I have had shin splints. They are not fun. Being outside has made me realize how much strength I get from being outside. I do not think that I will ever be able to do back county camping but a little more hiking would be nice.

I have feeling great while here. I have felt very peaceful while here. looking at the splendour that is around me. It has made me think of how it would be great to live in the mountains. The cost of living though is absolutely crazy. I saw a house being advertised for around 500 thousand and it looked like it was a converted mobile home. I was shocked at that one. The community near the Three Sisters was beautiful , the houses were great and the trails they had were plentiful and all lead to great spots.

Besides this the depression sits in the back of my head. I am so happy that I have been able to have the energy to do things while I have been here. I do feel a little tired still and I do not think that I am doing all that I could be, I am also still having difficulty making decisions about what to do next. Things are better, there is still a long road ahead. I was surprised by my therapists decision to not work on what made me depressed when we first started working together but while I look back on it, I do not think that I would have been able to work through the feelings. We are going to start next week. I am not sure what it will be like. I do not want to feel the way I did back in January, I also do not want to feel like I did before I realized what was going on. I do however want to keep from this happening again.

Off to dinner. I am enjoying there being light until after 9.

The Demons are still there

The demons in my head that I thought had left are still lurking around. I was not really all that happy to see them last night. I have been happy earlier in the day because I had started to feel overwhelmed with all that needed to be done and I was able to take a step back and not let it take over me. I took all that I needed to do and wrote out a list and when I need to have them done. The were actually only two things that needed to be done yesterday. I was happy with the fact that I did not let it take over me.

Last night though in bed out of no where the negative thoughts came out. They are not things that I really enjoy thinking. It is easy for someone to say just tell them to go away but they can be so strong sometimes. The thought that I am a horrible person, that no one will ever love you and the fact that you can not do things well enough. I told myself to stop and then started to read. I am not sure if that it is a good way to keep them from coming back. Perhaps they will never stop popping back in to my head. I guess I just need to know that they are there and tell them to stay away or not let them have any power over me. It was just a kick in the face. Feeling so good for so long and then bang they show up. I am sure that many people feel this way and they have the same thoughts I just don't like them. I don't like the fact that they can just creep into your head. How do people keep them from taking over and believing what is being said? How do people who had been feeling so good and then feel not so good keep from thinking that you are not do a good job at getting/staying well?

I know that patience is important but it is really hard, when you have a cold and it takes 10 days to get better people get tired of being sick. For me, since it had been a really long time since I have not been feeling well and it seems to be taking a really long time to get better. For around a year and a half I have been just pulling to get through and now that I am trying to get stronger and it seems to be taking a really long time. I am tired of all things. I am tired of not being healthy.

I know it will get better but it is hard seeing others moving a long in life and feeling like I am being left behind. People, of course are not doing this but it does feel that way some days.

No matter though how tired of all of this I am I will continue to move forward and continue to work to get better. This is the only way it will happen. I just would like it to happen at a quicker pace. Those demons, I will do my best to tell them to stay away or at least not listen to them when they appear. It was just a shock when I thought they were gone and the next thing I knew they were right there.

Positive Thinking

Positive thinking. It is a wonderous feeling. I am trying to stay really positive about a number of things. The thing is that I am wondering what is really positive thinking and what is not dealing with a situation. I am happy to have the positive feelings back in my life. It is not that I thought that everything was negative but I did see a lot of negative in situations.

How do you diferentiate between positive thinking and not being able to process situations. I am not sure. I guess that it is just something that I will have to work out on my own in my own time.

I have been seeing a therapist for a while now and she has helped me through a lot of things but my question is whether or not she can help me with the next step. I would like to learn how to change my reactions in certain situations. I am not sure if the therapist I am with right now can help me with it. When I asked he about something she told me that it can be hard to not react a certain way and did not give me any ways of learning. I have decided to take a list of goals and objectives with me to my next session so that I can see if those are things that she can help me with. If not I will see what else she can help me with, work on that and then find someone new. I must admit that is a little bit of an overwhelming thought since I will have to got through all the things that I have just worked through.

I must say I like looking at life the way I am now. I am hoping that once I am in situations that contributed to my depression that I will now have the ways to get through them. I need to develop a work plan for this. So I am taking this with me to the next appointment and I will see if this is something that can work.

As for positive thinking. I think that for now whether or not it is a coping mechanism for some things than that is what it is and it will help me move along.

Thank goodness for Saturdays,

One thing that I have noticed over the past few months is how much energy it takes to be around people. Don't get me wrong I am happy to do it but it has been very draining. That is why today I am staying at home and not feeling bad about it. I do of course wish it was actually raining so I do not feel as bad for being inside but such is life. I am glad that I have started beating myself up for spending days like today. When I was in my darkest spot I would feel so guilty for not going out and not really doing much on the weekend. Today I am fine with it. I am actually doing things but they are things that need to be around the house. I have learned that I do not always have to be out and about doing things. It is OK to take time to slow things down.

I do not recommend that people suffer from depression but it has been for me a learning experience. It is not something I would like to do again though. I am glad that I have the personality that I do, so that I knew what I had to do to get better even though it was a really hard thing to do. I was able to ignore most of the demons that were in my head. It was also a good move to share with my co-workers because it gave me a support system there. I do not know how it would have been if I had not felt comfortable sharing things with them and not being able to talk about something that was taking up my whole life.

I have started to go out again with joint friends and wow that is a new and difficult challenge, when I was younger I just stopped hanging out with the guy's friends but now I have chosen not to do that. It took a little more energy last night because the person's name came up in conversation a couple of times and I would think that it would be nice if he was here with us. That I know will pass. I will develop relationships with these people as just myself and not as him and me.

I can not get over the dog hair in the house. When I have the golden and there was a lot of hair we had carpet and the carpet just held the hair there. I find it worse with the hardwood floors since the hair moves around. I have been vacuuming and sweeping on a daily basis. I know that this is something that I got into when I decided to get a dog but I did not realizes that I dog with short hair would shed as much as this. Not only that she sheds she really can not stand being brushed. I went to pat her today and she tried to hide because she thought that I was going to brush her. Poor thing; I am trying to get her used to things but I do not want her to be afraid of so many things as well.

Anger

Anger is a wonderous thing. It is definately spmething that I do not like but people tell me it is part of the healing process. Two months ago I did not feel any emotion at all except for extreme sadness. I had really thought that if anything ever like this happened to me that things would be different but I was wrong. There are many things that I want to say about someone but that is not fair to do so in such a public forum.

I can say that I am angry about all these people that say that I need to hurry up and just get the first available place so that I can give him his life back. What about mine? I did not choose to become depressed, I did not chose to have to move, I am looking very hard but I want to be able to build a better life for myself, I do not want to be completely miserable where I am living and then continue to blame this whole experience and then hold grudges, that is not healthy. I am happy that I have made it to the point that no matter how painful it is I am now looking for places and I am packing.

The anger that I am feeling will go away. I will not hold on to it and let it take over my life. There are some people though that have to realize that this is not a good situation and it has been very hard for two people. One person has many more changes to go through and people tell me to take it one day at a time (since I am so impatient) so those who are rushing me just need to take a chill pill. If I need to be patient with my progress than so do they.

As for the depression I think that things are getting better, I still do have some problems with initiative and motivation. I am doing things that I need to but not a lot of extra things for myself. I think that it will get there. I do also still have my off days, I am doing better at letting myself have the off days instead of beating myself up for them, and of course, patience. I want everything fixed and done now. My goodness it is a pain waiting for things. I am glad that I am starting to do better with food and food preparation but I do admit that it is not always my top priority.